


The Joy of Giving In

by HiddenJedi4



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Visions, Grey Jedi, POV Rey (Star Wars), Post-TLJ, Sometimes good sometimes bad, Temporary Compromises, Waking up in a bed together, referenced sexual content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-22 07:58:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15577350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenJedi4/pseuds/HiddenJedi4
Summary: Arms enclosed her waist from behind her, tugging her close to the figure behind her. She didn’t try to chase them away, to chase his compassion for her away. She allowed the weakness take over her as she felt her back being pressed again his body, holding her tightly to him.She needed to be held by someone right now, to belong and to feel loved by anyone — even Kylo Ren.





	1. Enough

 

 

 

_“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”_

_**— Jimmy Dean** _

* * *

 

 

 

_I’ll come back for you sweetheart, I promise!”_

 

_The voice surrounded Rey, filling her ears. It kept getting louder and louder with every word — the words of an empty promise._

 

She was back on Jakku, watching the ship her parents fled in while Plutt held her arm, preventing her from chasing them. She had screamed, she had thrashed — _she did everything But even if she did manage to escape Unkar’s hold, she knew it would be useless. They weren’t coming back for her. They didn’t care about her._

 

 _**No** _ **_on_** _e_ _did._

 

Rey woke up with a jolt, only to find an arm curled around her waist, keeping her from moving any further in her bed. She turned her head to see a set of black curls resting where the curve of her neck met her shoulder, a steady, hot breath leaving a mark on her skin.

 

_Kylo Ren._

 

Rey moved her head back into the position she woke up from, trying not to wake him as she snuck her hand between her cheek and the pillow to muffle any sort of sound. But once she had, Kylo had already stirred awake.

 

He adjusted the way his arm was positioned around her waist, not completely letting go but making sure the hold was comfortable and light enough. His head moved as well, his chin now resting on her shoulder. Rey did nothing to oppose this new way he held her, too afraid to know what would happen if she did.

 

They laid there in silence for what was most likely minutes but felt like hours, neither one willing to break the sudden comfort each of them gained from the experience. She could hear his quiet yet heavy breathing in her ear, which was surprisingly soothing to her in a way that it almost made her eyes flutter close and let sleep claim her once more if Kylo hadn’t broken the silence.

 

“You still have nightmares?” He asked, his voice as quiet as a whisper with a tint of curiosity.

 

Rey drew her lips into a line. She knew what he really meant to say but instead chose the simpler form of the question. _Do you still have the same nightm **are?** _

 

Ever since she was left on Jakku, she would always have the same dream over and over again claiming her parents were going to come back. She would always here the same words spoken by a man who called her _sweetheart,_ and the same gentle arms of a woman who could be her mother. These dreams held no solace, no comfort that could be gained by the two people that left her on the desert wasteland of Jakku to live on her own for several years of her life.

 

It was the same dream every night, a constant reminder that she never knew the truth of what actually happened. She had always thought if she actually knew  what really happened that day, the nightmares would go away. But even after the events on the _Supremacy_ where the supposed truth was revealed, the voices continued to haunt her at night. They were getting so bad that sometimes Rey refused to sleep at night — to instead lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling in hopes that she would one day sleep a dreamless night.

 

“I still see them,” she whispered her answer. “Every night I still hear their voices.”

 

The arm around her waist tightened slightly, as if it was meant to give her contentment. Her back was placed against his chest, and she could hear the sound of his heartbeat, almost aligning with her own.

 

“How long have you been here?” She asked him, changing the subject.

 

“I’m not sure, a couple of hours maybe,” He replied, his voice edged with sleep. “You were here when I woke a few hours earlier. I didn’t want to wake you — you seemed peaceful.”

 

“This is the longest one so far,” she realized, trying her best to ignore his last statement.

 

This wasn’t the first time Rey and Kylo were connected while they were both  _in_ bed. The first time actually happened three months ago, when Rey woke up to find a pair of brown eyes staring at her. She immediately started lashing out, her self defensive side of herself quickly taking over her actions. The connection then snapped shut at that moment, leaving Rey completely alone in her bed.

 

The next time it happened, Kylo had been ready and before she could punch him, quickly catching the swing and pinning her down to the bed where she could no longer fight against him. When she had come to her senses and stopped resisting his hold on her and her wrists, he chose to let her go and left the room abruptly and without a word, shutting the connection close.

 

The Force constantly connected them during the night cycles, each encounter leaving them both at a loss of sleep. They eventually came to an agreement: they would split the bed so they could no longer bother each other, physically or verbally. They would try their best not to wake the other, and they could not cross the imaginary boundary line that divides the bed.

 

Of course, some rules were made to be broken.

 

Kylo was the first to reach out. Rey had woken up one night to find an unconscious Kylo Ren grasping her hand tightly, as if it was intentional. She didn’t have the strength to move it, nor did she want to. It almost felt like the moment where they touched hands for the first time on Ach-To. It felt nice, gentle even.

 

After that night they let themselves move closer to each other, each touch becoming more and more consuming. They both knew it wasn’t supposed to be a sign of compassion or kindness, just a means of giving the Force what it wants and satisfying their own needs and urges.

 

They barely talked, but when they did there was an unspoken promise to not discuss the war and current conflicts that made them enemies. If they were to bring it up, it would only ruin the only time where the conflict didn’t affect them. It was only during the morning hours did they have the occasional fight about politics and ethics.

 

“Why does it matter to you? How long each visit lasts?”

 

Rey sighed. “Whatever this is, this connection, it’s going to go away at some point. It should’ve disappeared when Snoke died since he was the creator. But every time we connect it keeps getting longer—“

 

“Have you ever considered it won’t go away?”

 

His question was only met by silence.

 

Rey had tried to build up her mental shields when she felt him reach for her mind for a more forceful way of getting an answer, but it was useless. His hand was already near the side of her temple, searching.

 

“You have,” he realized. Though his probe had found what he was initially looking for, he dug deeper, analyzing every memory and every thought sitting in Rey’s mind. “You just don’t want to believe it. You know the truth but you hide it away. Why is that?”

 

“Because sometimes the truth isn’t exactly what you are looking for,” she sneered, pushing him out of her mind with a clear yank.

 

His grip on her faltered and with that, she was able to sit up, the sheets still covering her lower torso. He followed suit, getting up to lean against the headboard.

 

He wore no tunic, his bare chest exposed. After a while, Rey had gotten used to this figuring it would be useless yelling at him every time to put a shirt on all the times he would show up next to her naked from the waste up.

 

His muscular form was well built, and you could tell that even without the Force he could put up a good fight and still come out of it victorious. But what told the real story were his scars, not just the one she gave him.

 

Each scar came from a different place and time. Sometimes Rey would ask about them, and others she would just stare at them, wondering how much it hurt not just from a physical but a mental point of view as well. Most of them were from various battles at different locations, and others were from training exercises that went far past a sparring level. The one that interested Rey though was the large, rigid one on his back.

 

She could sometimes feel the pain that radiates off of it in their bond, even though the scar is far from new. It almost looked like the aftermath of the slice of a lightsaber to the back, but for some reason, it didn’t feel like that kind of mark.

 

Kylo had told her Snoke had given it to him as a lesson, but for what reason he didn’t tell her. He instead wanted to move onto a different topic. Rey never understood why even after killing the former Supreme Leader, he still believes in his methods, even though they caused him a great deal of pain. Rey had felt it once through a projection of his memories, how his skin burned from sudden flares of heat and how his heart almost stopped with a snap of fingers. He went through so much, and yet he still believes that the pain was needed in order to become something more than just a child in a mask.

 

But he was no longer a child.

 

When he turned his head to face her, she couldn’t see the remnant of a boy Leia and Han once knew. She could only see the eyes of a broken man trying to hold the face of a monster.

 

“You still don’t believe me,” he murmured. It was more of a statement than it was a question. “You still think what I told you on the _Supremacy_ was a lie.”

 

Rey looked down, trying to think of a way to answer this. “You were trying to make me vulnerable,” she claimed with as much confidence she could muster. “So I would join you. So I would have someone like you to comfort me.”

 

“I didn’t lie, Rey.”

 

Rey scoffed. “It would’ve been so easy though. That in that situation I would’ve been so weak that I actually _believed_ you, that you may have been telling the truth.”

 

“Manipulation wasn’t my motive in that situation. I only told you what you wanted to hear, and not one word I said was a lie. You know that, you always have. I didn’t mean to weaken you, only give you the truth.”

 

“Then why isn’t it _enough_!”

 

The raise of her voice startled Kylo, causing him to move back a bit in the bed. Rey only looked away, embarrassed. She brought a hand to her cheek and realized tears were falling from her eyes.

 

 _Why isn’t it eno **ugh?** _ Her mind kept asking her, him — anyone with an answer. _Why isn’t it enough for me to believe? Why isn’t it enough for these voices to ju **st go away!** _

 

Arms enclosed her waist from behind her, tugging her close to the figure behind her. She didn’t try to chase them away, to chase his compassion for her away. She allowed the weakness take over her as she felt her back being pressed again his body, holding her tightly to him.

 

She needed to be held by someone right now, to belong and to feel loved by anyone — even Kylo Ren.

 

“You’re not alone in this,” he whispered to her, his breath hot on her ear as he spoke. “I know what it’s like to feel abandoned, to feel lost. I can help you if that’s what you want. I won’t force you to do anything.”

 

“Just stay,” the words escaped Rey’s mouth before she could think of anything else. Her face was still hot from tears and her voice muffled by the contracting air. “Just stay with me for the night, just this once. Please?”

 

Kylo’s grip on her didn’t tighten, nor did it loosen. His breathing hitched a little, a nervousness that wasn’t there before. Rey could already think of a dozen ways he could say no.

 

When she thought she already knew his answer, he surprised her saying, “Alright.”

 

Still a bit shaken by his answer, Rey felt his arms pull her back to the bed with him. Her head laid on his chest like it was a soft pillow, her waist still encircled by him that was neither possessive or painful, but instead  _gentle._ Rey had never thought someone like him could be gentle.

 

After a few moments of silence, Rey let sleep take her. For the first time in years, Rey slept dreamless and completely at peace.

 

* * *

 

_”Just Let It In.”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a three part story which I plan on finishing in the next couple of weeks. I will finish this one I promise. I did not come up with the bold-italicization trick, that was something invented by eek__a__tron in her story “Burn the Boats.” I will try to be as loyal to canon as possible in this story and I hope you all like it. Please leave a comment for any suggestions or opinions I greatly appreciate it, and let’s see where this story takes these characters because to be honest who doesn’t ship them?


	2. Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how she’ll interpret what happened last night, and every night after this one. But every night she’ll give in, believing that he’ll be beside her in the end, that she won’t be alone. Every night she would let him touch her like it’s the last thing they’ll do because they are so desperate for it. Every night he’ll want her, and she’ll want him.
> 
> And the joy we’ll feel, she thought while closing her eyes, picturing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains referenced sexual content. While it is not too graphic, if you are sensitive to such content I advise skipping it. You have been warned. Enjoy!

_“Why does it hurt so much?”_

 

_“Because it was real.”_

 

**-Tauriel and Thranduil**

 

* * *

 

 

“What were your parents like when you were younger?”

 

The question came up randomly and unexpected one night. Rey had been tucked into Kylo’s arms the moment he appeared, conducting heat to each other’s bear skin. Rey had started wearing a sleeveless tunic to bed at night, the heat of their current base on Naboo becoming a little too much to bear under heavy cloth. Kylo didn’t protest, in fact, he seemed to enjoy the new amount of exposed skin. He would sometimes trace it from the curve of her shoulder all the way down to her wrist with his hand, his touch light and gentle.

 

But now his hand rested at the slope of her neck, his tracing abruptly stopping at the ask of her question. Rey knew it was a risk asking, but she was actually curious to know what his answer would be.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he answered calmly. His hand almost unnoticeably started to travel down her collarbone, almost reaching the skin under her tunic before retreating back up to its original position.

 

“Why not?” When she received no answer, she hesitantly brought her own hand up to hold his. She gave it a soft squeeze before saying, “You can tell me, Kylo. You can trust me.”

 

After a moment of just letting her hold his hand, he gently removed it and went to wrap his arm around her waist. He let out a small sigh and moved his head so his mouth was faintly grazing her ear. “You don’t call me Ben anymore,” he whispered to her.

 

“It doesn’t seem like you want to be called that.”

 

“Hm.”

 

He placed a soft kiss behind her ear before adding, “What do you want to call me?”

 

Rey sighed. “I’m not sure. You’re not that dark, but you’re not that redeemable either. It’s kind of hard to call you just by one name.”

 

The hand that was now wrapped around her waist seemed to travel up a bit, ending at the rim of her tank. There was a moment of hesitance before his hand started moving under her tank and onto the face of her stomach, traveling higher and higher. His mouth had moved to her neck, gently kissing down to her collarbone before leaving a small bite, intentionally bruising.

 

Rey moaned at the sensation, making no effort to stop him. She knew that one day the bond would turn…. _physical,_ to the point whether if they wanted it or not, this was going to happen. Rey couldn’t deny that she had felt the connection constantly pulling at her to finally give herself to him, and perhaps the same was happening to him on his side, but she also couldn’t deny that she fought it. She tried to convince herself that it’s not what she or him wanted, and that they’re only doing this because the Force is pushing them to, but eventually she gave in realizing this was happening on her own accords or not.

 

He removed his face from her neck to whisper, “My parents were stubborn people when I was younger. Always fighting, always leaving their kid home alone because they cared more about their reputation than they did for their ten year old boy. We were almost never in the same place for too long…”

 

His hand continued to move upward, reaching the curve of one of her breasts. His forefinger traced it for a minute before moving to unclip her breast band and pulling it away from under her tank and out of the way.

 

“...but when we were, it was always constant screaming. My mother would claim my father was never there for me and my father would say that the only way I would live a fulfilling life was if I would go train with Skywalker to become a _Jedi._ But here’s the thing—“

 

Rey suddenly found herself flipped on her back and her tunic was ripped from her, her upper body fully exposed. When Rey moved her arms to cover her chest, Kylo quickly caught them and pinned them above her head. He took in the sight of her for a moment, but then leaned down so his breath ghosted her lips.

 

“—that’s when they lost me.”

 

 

* * *

 

“Rey?”

 

Rey stumbled awake in her bed, or at least half awake in her opinion. She looked to her right to see her comm vibrating on the nightstand, a voice emitting from it. If Rey had a choice, she would ignore the call and would fall quickly back to sleep.

 

But of course, she didn’t.

 

She reluctantly reached out a cold arm from underneath the sheets and grabbed the commlink in a shaking hand. She let out a long yawn before asking into the commlink, “What do you need?”

 

She could hear the tiredness in her voice, and no doubt the person listening could too. But what could she do? She spent half of the night awake with Kylo Ren—

 

Rey stopped her train of thought and immediately looked at her body from underneath the covers. She was _naked._ Fully and utterly.

 

_This was supposed to be a dream,_ she thought to herself. _It wasn’t supposed to be real…_

 

Rey reached down to her thighs, running a finger down them only to feel a slick wetness as she reached further and further up.

 

Rey groaned in frustration. She had sex with _Kylo Ren._ Kylo _kriffing_ Ren. It was supposed to be a dream, better yet another nightmare!

 

_Just another reminder that I’ll always_ **_want t_** _o feel needed._

 

_You’re not alone in this._

 

Rey remembered when he spoke those words, not believing they were real the first time around. She thought it was just another effect of the bond they had, the way of the Force pushing them together. She didn’t think it was an act of free will, just a way of the connection filtering words in their heads.

 

She had felt that way before, like she was being forced to say something she didn’t mean but felt like it meant something to her either way. Like a puppet, always being pulled by strings. Always being controlled, always following ord **ers.**

 

This is how she’ll interpret what happened last night, and every night after this one. But every night she’ll give in, believing that he’ll be beside her in the end, that she won’t be alone. Every night she would let him touch her like it’s the last thing they’ll do because they are so desperate for it. Every night he’ll want her, and she’ll want him.

 

_And the joy we’ll feel,_ she thought while closing her eyes, picturing it.

 

“Rey, are you okay?” The voice asked. Rey’s eyes popped back open, realizing she might have said what she was thinking out loud. “This is Finn.”

 

“Oh, sorry about that, Finn,” she apologized. “I’m alright.”

 

“We need you down here. _Now.”_ His voice seemed shaky, scared even.

 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

 

“Just come down, please.”

 

The call cut out from there and Rey quickly got out of bed. She put on the standard issued uniform and quickly grabbed a hair tie and raced to the nearest mirror.

 

As she grabbed her hair to position it into a bun, she noticed two small bruises on the crook of her neck. She brought a finger to them out of curiosity and pressed down. It _still_ hurts.

 

She put down the hair tie and brought her hair down to cover them.

 

She raced down the stairs of the Naboo palace the Queen had given them refuge in and hurried to main council room where Finn had relayed the message from. When she got there, she immediately saw Finn and the pilot Poe Dameron, watching them as they talked to each other quietly behind a pillar.

 

She walked over to them and found they were hesitant to look at her. “I came here as fast as I could,” Rey breathed heavily. “What happened?”

 

They both looked at each other, and Rey was almost certain that whatever happened, it was extremely bad. She had never seen the two of them look this way before, their eyes filled with uncertainty and sadness that engulfed the once joyful glimmer.

 

Poe then met her eyes, and she noticed that a tear was falling down his cheek. He was crying. Rey had never knew he was capable of such an emotion, considering he was always filled with glee and determination. This wasn’t right.

 

After a little hesitance, Rey closed her eyes and gently reached for his mind. She had never done this before, but she knew she had to in order to get an answer. She felt Poe resist at first, which was understandable since the first time this happened Kylo Ren had forcefully invaded his mind, leaving him with mental scarring. Rey stopped, not willing to keep going if Poe didn’t want her to. But after a while, he let down his mental defiance and Rey continued her search.

 

She wasn’t prepared for what she had found.

 

Opening her eyes, Rey stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Poe, pulling him into a hug.

 

* * *

 

 

The next night, Rey didn’t sleep. She instead leaned against the headboard, staring up at the ceiling until he appeared next to her. Seeing that she didn’t intend on sleeping next to him tonight, he too sat up and stared at the ceiling.

 

They didn’t say anything for the next couple of minutes, just continued to stare until their eyes burned.

 

“What do you see?” Kylo finally asked.

 

Blinking her eyes, Rey answered saying, “I’m not sure. Something different, I guess.”

 

Another round of silence.

 

Taking her eyes off the ceiling, Rey moved to reposition herself so she was facing him, her hands grasping at the sheets of either side of her body. She gripped them tightly, as if they were meant to hold her back from something. Kylo just looked at her, skimming her body with his eyes.

 

She could feel him trying to hold back, and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t either. That wasn’t how they were going to settle this.

 

“Last night,” she began slowly, steadying her breathing. “You told me about the bad things you and your family had been through—“

 

“They’re not my family,” he cut her off.

 

“—and you’ve definitely had a rough life,” she continued, ignoring him. “I won’t deny that. But what about the good times? The fun, happy days you and your parents had?”

 

“We didn’t have any.”

 

“That’s not true. Even on Jakku I allowed myself to smile some moments. Whether it was successful scavenging or something completely random. You’ve had to have had them too. Nobody has to always live their lives miserable. And you said it yourself, you didn’t hate your father and you even hesitated to kill your mother. She told me. There must be a reason to all of this.”

 

His gaze left her eyes, and she could tell the subject bothered him. He turned his head back to the ceiling, memorizing every hole and smudge just like she had been doing. She waited for an answer but didn’t get one.

 

But then she did. “There was this one moment.”

 

Rey’s stare snapped back to his, watching as he turned his head, his eyes still looking down at the bed sheets. His facial expression morphed, and for a second she thought she was staring into the forming face of Ben Solo.

 

“It happened a long time ago in Hanna City on Chandrila. I was only thirteen at the time, and it was the first time I’ve seen my parents in four years. And when I first saw them, they did what they always did, they fought. The whole time I was with them. One night, I began crying in my bed and Han Solo — my _father_ heard me. He came into my room and sat down on the edge of the bed saying none of this was my fault, that it was just something him and my mother were going through. He took a pair of dice out from his hand and told me it was from the _Falcon._ He told me he had given them to my mother so whenever he would leave, she would know he would come back and wouldn’t leave her for a couple credits. He gave them to me to me that night, saying that I could use a little bit of their luck.”

 

He paused for a minute, looking down at the sheets. His breathing escalated, and Rey could tell this wasn’t an easy memory. “I think that’s why I never had it in me to hate him,” he continued. “To hate either of them, no matter how gone Ben Solo is.”

 

“What happened to the dice?”

 

“I lost them after the night at the temple. They weren’t worth any value then.” He sighed. “I kept them for eleven years.”

 

Rey felt tears streaming down her cheeks, and she tried to wipe them off with the back of her hand but only more fell down. She looked at Kylo who was staring at her emotionless.

 

“My mother,” he said suddenly, “she’s gone, isn’t she?”

 

More tears started to come, and all Rey could do was nod. Leia didn’t deserve to die. She was supposed to be leading the Resistance to a victory against the First Order, she was meant to be helping people, and she was supposed to be with her _son._

 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

 

Rey watched as Kylo’s face shifted. He went from being numb and blank to conflicted and almost depressed. He wasn’t crying like Rey was, but you could tell he was fighting his own internal battle. Unlike Rey, he could feel his mother. He could constantly feel her emotions, her experiences, her _hopes._ He had shut her out for six long years, desperate to avoid her call to him.

 

And now he would never know what that call would’ve said.

 

“I’m so sorry, Ben,” Rey whispered.

 

He flinched, looking up at Rey with a yearning that wasn’t there before. It was the first time she called him Ben in six months.

 

“Come here,” he told her, extending his arm out. It sounded like a plead, almost.

 

Either way, Rey leaned in as Kylo’s arms wrapped around her as they both laid down on the bed. Her head rested against his torso and his arms covered her waist. She felt wanted in that moment, and she knew he felt the same.

 

But this time, it was _real._

 

* * *

 

 

_“Same eyes in different people.”_

 

 


End file.
